This started out as an assignment for my English 301 “Professional Writing” course. I was teaching memos, emails, letters, reports and other common workplace genres. The actual assignment said:
Office Blog (A weekly blog post on Blackboard consisting of an email, memo, or letter related to an ongoing situation or problem in the fictional workplace you imagined. After you post, comment on at least one other student’s post.)
I made this assignment because I wanted English majors to have an opportunity to write a lot of business-oriented documents while also developing their creative writing skills. Because I had not used this sort of epistolary assignment before, I decided to write the assignment myself as a science fiction story called “Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit.” See what you think. Also available as a .pdf.
Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit
Deity Supply Enterprises
We Bend the Universe to Your Will
To: Teleportation Department
From: Shipping Department
Subject: Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit
Date: Elapsed second 1,000,41699,01404 K
Around about elapsed second 1,000,41617,01139 K we shipped a selection of 12 Low-Power Intentional Manifestation units to Teahouse Demi-God Training Dojo, in pocket universe 71B. Records indicate that the shipment went out via standard interdimensional wormhole vortex. However, one of the units did not arrive at its intended destination. The fluxproof wrapper apparently disengaged during transit.
This is annoying and potentially dangerous. The unit in question conforms to user expectations, reads the user’s intention and manifests it in whatever surrounding environment within which it is activated. Such units are not approved for use by beings below Deity Five certification and are completely illegal in cultural environments below Tech 3. We must trace this unit and retrieve it.
Please initiate interdimensional trace procedures and report back ASAP!
Data Trace
Deity Supply Enterprises
We Bend the Universe to Your Will
To: Shipping Department
From:Teleportation Department
Subject: Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit
Date: Elapsed second 1,000,51655,01504 K
Data tracing indicates that that at the time of shipping a Delorean (Tech 3.2) Enforcer-Class warship was having a skirmish with a RRisconic Entity (Tech 0) in an adjacent dimension. The warship’s probability disruptor may have affected transport. Warship destroyed. (RRisconic Entities have no tech, but they don’t need it and are very powerful when angered. Deloreans can be idiots when something gets in their way.)
The Intention Manifestor does not have a reading in any commonly traveled dimension or pocket universe. It is probably floating in an uninhabited bubble of space-time. Will continue trace, just to be sure.
Happy Fangledors! May your simpkins return to roost!
Apologies
Deity Supply Enterprises
We Bend the Universe to Your Will
Pocket Universe 93012, Portal 42, Array 4, Plane of Being 39
Stardate 5435542
Teahouse Demi-God Training Dojo
Moon of Tunis
Pocket Universe 71B
Oh Most Gracious and Benevolent Beings:
We were so sorry to hear that one of the Intentional Manifestation Units you ordered was lost in transit. Our entire shipping staff is inconsolably rolling on the floor in grief. Once we have finished our lamentations, we will get right to work producing a replacement unit and shipping it your way, double-protected against flux storms and unfortunate probability adjustments. We will make sure it is a deluxe model equipped with enhanced benevolence and happiness potential. Customer satisfaction among both deities and their believers is our highest priority!
Our trace indicates that the unit in question was deflected in transit by a probability disruptor in an adjacent dimension. There is a slight possibility that the unit is stuck in a warp loop and will eventually manifest in your location. If this happens, please notify us as soon as possible. Do not attempt to use the unit. It will undoubtedly need calibration and may not work as designed.
One thousand face palms in your direction,
Bloog Glaxon
Shipping Minion 85th Class
Deity Supply Enterprises
Bad News
To: Shipping Department
From:Teleportation Department
Subject: Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit–Update
Date: Elapsed second 1,000,51755,0123 K
I am afraid I have some bad news. The missing Intentional Manifestor seems to have appeared in a backwater unmapped pocket universe on a planet the local beings call “Earth.” It looks like they might be Tech .08, with no transdimensional capability, though there are some indications of anomalous Tech 3 level activity which I don’t quite understand. I suppose it is possible that some unauthorized immigration from higher civilizations has occurred. Perhaps someone from a Tech 3 civilization is hiding from justice. It is an ideal location for hiding.
Considering the low Tech level and the anomalous Tech readings, we may have to send an undercover agent to retrieve it. Or we could notify the Transdimensional Tech Enforcement Agency and let them take care of it. Someone is violating the prime directive. However, the agency might decide it is us.
Please advise.
New Guitar Pedal!!!
Hey Jimmy!
You know how I got that new job at Mad Dan’s Guitar and Pawn? Well, he had me sweeping out the back room and I was going through a box of busted guitar effects pedals and I found a really weird one. It was bright orange, and I swear when I first picked it up it was entirely smooth. I put it on the bench and went to get a guitar and a cord, and when I looked at it again it had input and output jacks and a knob! How do they do that? Anyway I plugged in an old Les Paul guitar and a crappy little practice amp and the tone was just awesome! I mean I was getting exactly the Holy Grail tone I have always been looking for! It was so amazing! I couldn’t wait to play through it at a gig. But when I asked Dan if I could borrow it he gave me a really long weird look and said no. He said put it back where it was. Well, I kinda borrowed it anyway. I put it in my guitar case when I went home. LOL!
But you know how Dan has this parrot in the shop? He calls it POTUS, for “Parrot of the United States.” That bird is uncanny weird. As I left for home he was screeching “Put it back! Put back!” LOL!
See you at the gig!
Myron
Send an Agent
To: Teleportation Department
From: Shipping Department
Subject: Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit–Update
Date: Elapsed second 1,000,61755,0723 K
Considering the complex situation involving the prime directive, I think we should avoid notifying the Tech Agency for now. An undercover retrieval agent, perhaps a specialized android created to look like the locals, might be the best plan. However, this would require higher level authorization than I have. Let me consult with a Great One.
Oh, Great One!
To: The Great Yuggoth!
From: Your Obedient Servant, Bloog Glaxon, Shipping Minion 85th Class, Deity Supply Enterprises
Oh, Great Mentality! We have a tiny difficulty to resolve. We know it is far beneath your dignity to attend to this matter for even a micro-second, but we need your magnificent intellect to proceed even slightly toward success.
A low-powered Transdimensional Intentional Manifestation Unit has been misplaced in an unauthorized pocket universe. We need to send a class 2 being, possibly an artificial replicant of a local inhabitant, to retrieve it. At this timepoint, no higher entity, governmental agency, or deity-class being is aware of the problem. We have a chance of correcting this bit of difficulty without notice.
We seek your blessed authorization of the purchase of the aforementioned artificial replicant for this task. The matter is of some urgency. Pretty please with sugary benevolence on top! We will dedicate the appropriate sacrifices at your personal altars in the Office of Celestial Emanations and in the Employee Break Room.
Awesome Gig!
Hey Jimmy!
The gig was awesome! I had the best tone ever and I was playing stuff I don’t even know how to play! I felt like a rock god! The band was tighter than ever. Our drummer didn’t speed up like she usually does, the bass was really snarling and the place was packed. I have never seen so many people in Toshi’s before. They were even coming in from the club across the street. We played like four hours without a break and everybody was dancing around. Best gig ever! Afterwards, people were lining up for autographs. I am not kidding! I got phone numbers from like 14 girls.
Weird though. You know that waitress who works there that I like? She kept giving me disapproving looks. She asked, “Do you have something you didn’t have before?” She looked so mean, I didn’t tell her about the new pedal. Weird huh? Everyone else was just rockin’ out, but she gets peeved. I don’t understand women.
Sorry you missed it!
Myron
Android Report
To: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
From: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit
Unit has been traced to a matter-planet “Earth” Tech .08 civilization organic beings, naturally evolved. Scans indicate unit is in possession of being “Myron.” Unit has been utilized and may have bonded to being. Extraction may require elimination of being or extraction of being/unit bonded combo. “Myron” is sound vibration technician. Unit has been used to enhance sound vibration reception by other beings, who may become cult adherents. Being “Myron” may not understand unit, has not read instruction manual, and has no deity training or experience, so situation potentially dire. Could result in political uprising, or even unauthorized transdimensional cross talk. Some indication of Tech 3 beings present, and, weirdly, thought tendrils of a RRisconic Entity. Recommend elimination of being “Myron” before situation complexifies. Authorization?
Weird Stuff!
Hey Jimmy,
Things are getting kind of weird. We were setting up at Toshi’s last night, and I went to get an iced tea, and when I got back there was this weird dude going through my equipment bag. He was trying to take the new pedal, but when he tried to pick it up, it slipped out of his hands. That happened twice! When he saw me he ran. He was dressed really weird too. He was wearing gray pants, black dress wingtips like my grandfather used to wear, an orange Aloha shirt with a tie, a black leather jacket and a blue beanie. Who wears a tie with an Aloha shirt? And wingtips? I didn’t think you could even buy those shoes anymore. LOL.
Then when we were playing, everything was just amazing like before, but at about 1:00 am, a bunch of people, mostly girls, rushed the stage. At first I thought, wow people are really excited, but then I got kind of scared, and suddenly they all stopped like they had hit an invisible wall. Then it was like they were pushed back! We finished the song and ducked backstage in a hurry. Out front, the audience was just sort of wandering around confused.
I was wondering, did I do that? Somehow it felt like I had.
We have one more night at Toshi’s. Try to catch the show! It is sure to be amazing!
Myron
More Weirdness!
Jimmy,
This is really weird. I just got a text message from “IntentionMan” that said, “Congratulations on your acquisition of a Deity Supply Enterprises D5 Intentional Manifestation Unit. You have already made substantial progress toward your deity goals! We suggest more practice on power control and defensive strategms as adversaries have been detected and your current control parameters are at only 3%. Practice makes perfect!”
Do you think it is some kind of prank message? Did you send it? LOL
Myron
Message Pulse Transcript
Message Pulse Log, Tight Beam:
–Dan, this is Ginny.
–Yes?
–We have got to do something about Myron. Did you give him a device?
–No, but he took one. I don’t know where it came from but he found it in a box of old stuff. I told him not to take it, but Myron is impulsive. He hasn’t been back to work since. POTUS told me he took it.
–It seems to be some kind of godfield device. He thinks it is a guitar effects pedal. His normally average band got to virtuoso level overnight. He is really stirring up the fans. And there is a Tech 3 android about. It made an attempt to retrieve it, but it looks like the device has bonded. The device slipped away out of the android’s hands. And the device is defending Myron. It created a defensive shield against overly excited fans.
–I didn’t think Myron was capable of even turning it on. I was going to ask him for it when he came back to work and chew him out.
–Maybe because he started with such a simple idea–a guitar pedal–it started working with him and building up his level. It might be training him.
–A Tech 3 android is capable of detecting us. It might blow our cover.
–True, but I am more worried about what Myron might do to this primitive place. These devices are generally used to turn spoiled rich beings into minor deities on semi-backward planets, for their own entertainment. This place is so backward that I am sure such a device is illegal in transdimensional law. And he has no idea what he is doing. He could wreak havoc.
–Also true.
–I work tonight at Toshi’s. I’ll give a live report. We may need to intervene. At least we need to keep the android from killing Myron. Since the device is bonded, that is what it will try, either that or kidnap him, which will be hard if the device is defending him.
–Ok. Take care. Do you think the android is a Transdimensional Authority agent?
–No, I think it is private hire. It sticks out like a sore tentacle. It’s a quick replication job with a minimum of cultural assimilation.
Android Report
To: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
From: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit: Retrieval Attempt
Am passing undetected as local being. Have acquired customary local dress and cultural practices, which require consuming ceremonial beverages in large quantities and listening to high decibel vibrational screeching while gyrating body. Language use unnecessary, as no one can hear in this environment. Have made retrieval attempt, no success. Unit has bonded to being “Myron” and resists retrieval. “Myron” appears to control unit and may have engaged deity training mode. Ability increasing rapidly. Perhaps “Myron” is not what he seems. Maybe illegal immigrant from a Tech 3 civilization in deep cover? Seems unnaturally adept for a primitive being. Have acquired local projectile weapon, but will not be effective unless “Myron” can be separated from unit or unit can be neutralized by remote reset device. Will try following “Myron” home. Authorization?
Request remote reset device. Please teleport.
Request Denied
To: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
From: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit: Request Denied
Request for remote reset device denied. The illegal manifestation unit got there by accident. We cannot ship more illegal tech to this primitive planet. More tech would make us more deeply implicated. If there are Tech 3 beings on location they are either Transdimensional Authority agents or criminals. This is getting too hot to handle.
Do not attempt to terminate being “Myron.” Use finesse. Retrieve unit. Make sure you are not detected.
New Strategy
To: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
From: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit: New Strategy
OK, no termination of being “Myron.” Have implemented finesse plan. Followed “Myron” home, but somehow entrance portal opened for “Myron” but not for android. No detectable electronics, so puzzling. Also, being “Dog” somehow detected android, announced presence vigorously. Entrance portal opened by being “Mom.” I said, “Selling holomags, you like?” Being “Mom” shut door vigorously. Apparently 04:00 is wrong time of planetary cycle to sell holomags. Also puzzling.
Returned to place “Toshi’s” where “Myron” plays vibrations. Entrance portal does not open. No lights, beings, or ceremonial beverages. Feeling of sadness, failure, lack. Especially the ceremonial beverages. Retreated to resting place under local bridge construct to contemplate new strategy.
Tipsy Android
–Dan, this is Ginny.
–Yes?
–The android came in right at opening time today and sat at a table. It seemed somehow distraught. It looked like it had spent the night on the street. I gave it a beer on the house. It became talkative.
–Interesting.
–I don’t think alcohol affects these things, but it seemed to get tipsy. It might have been the hops. Who knows what hops does to an android brain?
–Could be. I am sure it has never been tested.
–It seems to want to be called “Tosc.” It said that it needed to get back a device that Myron had stolen. It said it was a player of “instrument guitar” like “being Myron” and without the device its vibrations weren’t good, so it lost its job.
–An unlikely story.
–Yes, but you know the best thing to do might be to give the device to the android. That would solve a lot of problems.
–Myron would have to give it up voluntarily, if it is bonded.
–I’ll think of something. You know, the android will probably be told to self destruct after it finishes its misson. It’s a cheap one, and this is probably an incident that no one wants anyone to know about. Poor thing!
–I’ve never known you to be sympathetic with temporary artificial life forms. But I agree that giving the device to the android is best. Then it would go away and leave us in peace, hopefully undiscovered.
Hypernews Flash!
Transcript: HyperNews Broadcast, Pocket 1,201C
Criminal Pair Ginny and Dan Escape Pod Confinement
Just a tiny bit of negative news to put a delicious constrastive ripple into your ongoing euphoria!
Citizens Gineva Fangold IIb and Danold Ziffith III, convicted last cycle of Egregious and Purposeful Obstruction of the Euphoric Flow, Resistance to Mandatory Tech Enhancements, Refusal to Bond with the Citizen Collective, and General Ungrooviness, have escaped their confinement pods and are undetectable in this universe. Their Whereabouts Coordinates are unknown. The pair are considered to be low tech, disconnected, and dangerously cynical. The Groove Authorities are conducting transdimensional searches. High Commisioner of Jocularity Enforcement Loboto Crank IVb stated, “No effort will be spared in returning this criminal pair to a state of unalloyed happiness.”
At least they are not here!
And now, a pleasant return to your ongoing euphoric state. We hope this tiny diversion has exquisitely stimulated your pleasure centers.
Email from Device
To: Esteemed Being Myron
From: Deity Supply Enterprises Intentional Manifestation Unit Ac#3323
Most Dear Being Myron:
It has been noticed that you are not taking full advantage of the features and training regimens of this unit. As a reminder, these features include:
–Transformations of local beings into vegetable organisms, silicon lifeforms, and other creatures, such as avian feathered twittery things
–Hurling of thunderbolts, projectiles, missiles, fireballs, and other physical and non-physical weaponry
–Shapeshifting and physical enhancement, including increase of strength and beauty
–Psychological manipulation of adversaries and allies, such as fear enhancement or likeability increase
–Transmutation of physical atomic structures such as changing lead into gold or ice into diamonds(very popular in your current environment!)
So far you have only utilized the following minor features:
–Vibrational sweetening
–Charisma enhancement
–Defensive barrier when threatened by enthusiastic cult adherents (fans)
Think like a god! Choose a regimen! Practice, practice, practice! Then do things!
Your performance so far is B-. You are doing very well for a being of your level.
Heads-up Warning: Hostile android in vicinity. Tech 3 non-hostile criminal beings in vicinity. RRisconic Entity interest tendrils weaving. Situation complicated. Recommend more active engagement in practice routines.
Not to Worry!
To: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
From: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit: Not to worry!
Have made contact with being “Waitress Ginny.” Explained that being “Myron” had stolen device and needed to return it. “Waitress Ginny” so nice! Gave android Tosc beverage “IPA” “on the house.” (Looked under glass, but no “house.” Puzzling.) Beverage “IPA” very good, many kinds. I like “Stoned Monkey” best, but there are “Zombie Nightmare,” “Hooligan’s Hooch,” “Hippity Hopsity,” and “Paranoid Android.” The last one is funny–androids never paranoid! Ha! Beverage “IPA” makes android brains feel good!
Being “Waitress Ginny” also good cultural informant. She said not customary to wear “tie” with shirt “Aloha.” Also not good to drink chili sauce from the bottle. Very good to know.
“Waitress Ginny” agreed to ask Myron to give back device. I think “Waitress Ginny” is important and knowledgable person, with authority. Mission outlook favorable!
Weird Dream!
Hey Jimmy!
I had the wierdest dream last night! I was like in space and there was a green aurora flickering and I heard some big voice saying “Where? Where?” Then I woke up (or maybe I was still dreaming) and there was a green light glowing inside my closet. When I opened the door, it flickered out. Weird, huh?
And I got a strange email from IntentionMan again. It said I had the power to turn lead into gold and stuff like that. I think it was trying to sell me lessons or something, LOL.
Try to make too the gig at Toshi’s tonight, OK? It’s the last night for a while. It is going to be awesome!
Myron
Mission Update
To: Bloog Glaxon, Shipping Department
From:Offnut Scuurz, Teleportation Department
Subject: Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit–Mission Update
Date: Elapsed second 1,003,51732,7123 K
Reports from the android are disconcerting. I am starting to think that I should have assigned a more sophisticated one. I thought it would be just a retrieval mission, in and out and self-destruct, but the manifestation unit was discovered by a local being and put to use, bonding it to the individual. The android is still on mission, but it is collaborating with local beings. It may have fallen in love (!) with a local beverage server and it seems to have a drinking problem. Somehow it found a substance that is intoxicating to androids, which is a first. I have never heard of that before. It has a plan, but it may have revealed too much to a being it has no reason to trust. This model has only limited language and cultural acquisition skills. It is not too bright either. It might even be talking to a Tech Authority Agent. Ordinarily it would figure that out, but it seems to be impaired.
At this point we can only hope for the best. I think the worst case is that it will fail and we will have to think of something else. I can destroy it remotely if need be. If its android nature is discovered it is designed to turn into something that looks like a clothes manikin.
Sound Check
Message Pulse
–Dan, this is Ginny.
–Yes?
–I talked to Myron when he came in to set up and do a sound check. I told him that he needed to give the new effects pedal back to you. He said he needed it badly. His sound and his band had never been this good. I told him you might be able to make a pedal that duplicated the sound, but that he needed to give this one back, and that he had borrowed it after being told not to.
–I could probably make such a pedal. Sound effects only, no reality manipulation. What did he say?
–He agreed to meet at the shop tomorrow afternoon to talk about it. He feels bad about taking the unit, but he thinks he needs it badly.
–Ok.
–I am worried about the gig though. Who knows what powers he will discover? And I am not sure what the android will do. It seems to be getting drunk on IPA’s. I’ll keep you posted.
–Be careful!
Everything is Fine!
To: The Great Yuggoth!
From: Your Obedient Servant, Bloog Glaxon, Shipping Minion 85th Class, Deity Supply Enterprises
Re: Your most insightful query
Oh, Great Manifestation of Wonderment! I have humbly received your most elegant and timely question about the progress we are making on the little problem we were having with the missing Intentional Manifestation Unit. Our android has discovered the whereabouts of the unit and is in the process of retrieving it. Everything is proceeding as imagined in your most clever and exquisitely brilliant plan. We are stunned by your unique cerebral acuity! Personal inspirational flogging of the staff is not required at this juncture.
In locating the unit, the android has also found a source of exotic celebratory beverages that may provide exclusive marketing opportunities for our firm. Prospects are most auspicious! We will investigate thoroughly. The most likely market is pocket universe #456a, which is mostly populated by escaped androids. Will explain further in future correspondence, but these beverages have particularly advantageous effects on androids.
In celebration we will be sure to perform ritual sacrifices at your personal altars in the Office of Celestial Emanations, the Grotto of the Divine Nymphs, and in the Employee Break Room. Please don’t worry about a thing. Everything is fine.
The Show Has Started
Message Pulse
–Dan, the show has started. Myron’s band, “Stargoon III,” is way better than ever before. In fact they are fantastic! The music is like nothing I have heard, yet familiar in some way. It is not just Myron. He has unconsciously used the device to improve his bandmates’ playing as well. It is only the first song, but the crowd is already on their feet. The beat is thumping, the bass lines driving, Myron’s guitar weaving lines on top of everything. Even the android is standing and shaking its head. This place is rippling with power.
–It sounds like anything could happen.
–Yes, and I am worried about another factor. There are a couple of guys here in cheap suits and shades that might be Tech Authority agents. They must have detected Myron’s technology. I am going to keep a low profile.
–That is indeed disturbing. We might have to prepare a quick exit. It is too bad. I was beginning to like this universe.
–Uh Oh. Myron’s new song is called “Think Like a God.” That is a dangerous idea for him to have at the moment! I’ve got to get back to waitressing. I’ll check back in later.
Change in Plan?
To: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
From: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit: Change in Plan?
Have discovered that being “Myron” is very good at vibrational art! Very enjoyable. Audience happy and doing action “dancing.” Myron has become exceedingly skilled at using instrument guitar and manifestation unit. Subtle changes in reality skeen, very skilled, not too overt. Just probability dopplers, delicate becoming matrices, little touches here and there. Maybe we should let him keep it? Sell recordings in various sub-universes? Even androids like it. I am a fan!
Also, we should find market for these ceremonial beverages. Right now Tosc is having IPA “Stoned Monkey” again. This would sell big time in pocket universe 459b. Whoo boy! Delicious and happy brains!
By the way, Level 5 Tech Authority agents detected in audience. It is possible they will arrest Myron for illegal transdimensional tech. I still have local projectile weapon. Protect Myron? Authorization?
Don’t Shoot!
To: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
From: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit: Don’t shoot!
Authorization denied! Do not under any circumstances shoot Tech Authority agents! Continue to await delivery of the manifestation unit from being “Myron.” If such agents approach you and attempt to interrogate you, erase all connection with Deity Supply Enterprises at once. At that moment, initiate routine “Store Manikin.”
And halt consumption of beverage “Stoned Monkey” immediately. You have had enough.
No Shoot
To: Deity Supply Enterprises, Teleportation Department
From: Tosc Android Unit #7222 Series 09
Subject: Misdirected Intentional Manifestation Unit: OK, No Shoot
OK, “Stoned Monkey” is my favorite but I will switch to “Paranoid Android.”
New plan: Await delivery, avoid Tech Agents, erase connection, no shoot store manikin, avoid Tech Agents. Oh, I said that.
Being “Myron’s” song, “Think Like a God” is great! You should hear it! I think I’ll look for “Waitress Ginny.” Maybe she wants to dance!
Bzzzup. . .Slllur. . .s
Message Pulse
–Dan, things are getting very intense. I think that the bartop and some of the chairs are sprouting leaves. Everyone is dancing, except the Tech Authority agents, who are moving around the periphery, getting closer to the stage. Even Tosc is dancing, sort of. It seems to be pretty drunk.
–The Tech agents are interested in Myron, not you?
–It seems so. The music is incredible! It is making the air thick and pulsing. The band is in a frenzy. Myron looks like he is eight feet tall.
–Are you in danger? If leaves are sprouting, some kind of time reversal or essence morphing is taking place. Should you escape?
–I am not affected so far. I don’t want to leave. Wait, something is happening!
–What?
–I see a green shimmering around the stage. It is kind of like an aurora. With green tendrils lashing about. And a humming that is louder than the music.
–You’d better get out.
–The music has stopped. The humming is building up. There is a shape . . .
–It sounds like an Entity is manifesting. Not supposed to be any in this universe.
–“Found!” It says “Found!”
–It was looking for something?
–Bzzzup. . .Slllur. . .s
–Ginny? You are breaking up.
–Ginny?
Defective Unit
Teahouse Demi-God Training Dojo
Be All That You Can Being
Moon of Tunis
Pocket Universe 71B
Bloog Glaxon
Shipping Minion 85th Class
Deity Supply Enterprises
Pocket Universe 93012, Portal 42, Array 4, Plane of Being 39
Stardate 5435675
Dear Being Glaxon:
The missing Intentional Manifestation Unit arrived yestercycle at 04:0001. It suddenly manifested itself in a flash of green light in sanitary cubicle #4. Very unusual delivery method. It rather startled the being that happened to be the current user of that facility. In future cases, please deliver in the normal fashion to the shipping and receiving plateau in the back of the dojo.
However, the unit is seriously defective. No matter what Deity candidate attempts to use it, it makes nothing but shrieking noises. It claims to need accessory “guitar” in order to operate properly. Several Deity candidates have now become interested in possessing accessory “guitar.” I think that the unit has contaminated them in some way. They claim to enjoy shrieking noises.
Please send pricing list of accessory “guitar.” If units are under 1,000 cubic Omicrons apiece, please expedite shipping of six units of accessory “guitar” to our dojo. This may become a popular item. Some of our best Deity candidates aspire to becoming “Rock Gods.”
Most favorable emanations to you,
Dzrkin Hod
Deity Class 5
Delivered?
To: Offnut Scuurz, Teleportation Department
From:Bloog Glaxon, Shipping Department
Subject: Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit–Delivered!
Date: Elapsed second 1,003,51732,8745 K
The good news is that according to the Teahouse Deity Dojo, the missing unit has been delivered. The bad news is that it is defective and makes nothing but “shrieking sounds.” How is this possible? I thought the android was still trying to recover it.
Also, the unit is apparently claiming that it needs “accessory guitar” in order to work and they want to buy six of them! What is going on? What is a guitar and where am I going to get six of them?
Unscheduled Delivery
To: Bloog Glaxon, Shipping Department
From:Offnut Scuurz, Teleportation Department
Subject: Missing Intentional Manifestation Unit–Unscheduled Delivery
Date: Elapsed second 1,003,51732,8776 K
As near as I can tell the RRisconic Entity that originally had a part in disrupting our shipment felt responsible somehow and it retrieved and delivered the unit. Those things are completely unpredictable and impossible to communicate with. They don’t usually go into pocket universes that have technical civilizations, but they do sometimes. Nobody sane messes with an Entity.
It sounds like the unit is still bonded to the being who found it on “Earth.” A “guitar” is the tool for artistic vibrations that being “Myron” used with the unit. We could reset the unit, but it sounds like it has already infected other beings with being “Myron’s” artistic tastes.
I have lost contact with the android. It was probably destroyed, either by the Entity or Tech Authority agents, which it reported had shown up. I could send another one to get a “guitar” we could duplicate, but the scene is probably too hot to handle right now. It might be crawling with Tech agents. It is also possible that the Earth or the civilization that produced the “guitar” no longer exists in any meaningful way. Such Entities are extremely powerful and as I said, unpredictable. It is perfectly capable of being very concerned about a missing device, but accidentally destroying a whole civilization without knowing it.
Should I send another android?
A Job for Tosc?
Message Pulse
–Dan, this is Ginny.
–I’m on my way!
–Better not. I’m ok, and the local police are here.
–What happened?
–You were right. An Entity was manifesting. The Tech Authority agents rushed the stage and I think that Tosc shot at them, but the bullets turned into flowers and just bounced off their suits. There was a big existential shock, everybody here including me was knocked unconscious. When I woke up the green flickering was just fading and everybody else was still knocked out. Myron was out cold, as were the rest of the humans. I found the android under a table. It was drunk but it was ok. Fortunately, the gun was on the other side of the room. Anything made of wood was bursting with leaves and flowers. The Tech agents had turned into clothes manikins, like in a department store. I looked for Myron’s device, but I think the Entity took it.
–That is probably for the better.
–Yes, but Myron will be really unhappy.
–That’s ok.
–I won’t be home for a while. The police are questioning everyone. There is no crime really, but it is a weird situation.
–I can imagine.
–Can I ask a favor?
–Sure.
–The android doesn’t have any ID and doesn’t have any place to go. It says that it was hired by “Deity Supply Enterprises” in Pocket Universe 93012, but its connection is erased and they probably think it was destroyed. Can it work at the shop?
–That’s risky.
–It doesn’t have anywhere to go. It could be useful. It is not too bright, but it has lots of detective capabilities. And as far as its employers are concerned, it doesn’t exist anymore.
–Ok, I’ll talk to it. It’s possible.
Hey Jimmy!
Hey Jimmy!
It was kind of a good thing that you didn’t make it to the gig at Toshi’s. It was really awesome, but then there was some kind of power failure and everything blacked out and when the lights came on again, the pedal I got from Mad Dan’s was gone. I thought maybe that weird dude I was talking about had finally gotten it, but yesterday, I met with Dan to talk about it, and the weird dude, whose name is Tosc (weird name huh?) was working in Dan’s shop! Maybe Dan sent him to get the pedal back? But Dan didn’t have the pedal. I explained that I was sorry I took the pedal, and sorry it got stolen, but he seemed to understand, and even offered to make me a new one, though it might not be quite like the original. Ginny was there too. I didn’t even know that Dan and Ginny were friends. Actually, with Dan and Ginny and Tosc together, I got this weird vibe that they are like not from around here, if you know what I mean. A lot of strange things have happened to me lately, but they don’t seem to think that anything is strange at all. It’s like they know things I don’t even understand.
Tosc seems to have taken over my job. But that’s ok, because I can still play all those new songs I wrote and the band is still fantastic. We got a lot better in the last two weeks, and we have lots of gigs. We are actually turning some of them down. It’s great. I don’t have time to work at Dan’s. I kind of miss that pedal though. It was really inspiring my playing. It was changing my world!
Another weird thing was that the parrot, POTUS, was taking part in the conversation like it was human or something. It wasn’t just repeating stuff it had been taught to say. I always thought that parrot was pretty smart, but it was arguing with Dan about hiring Tosc. Tosc seemed pretty happy though. He likes beer a lot. Talks a lot about IPAs, and calls me “Being Myron”for some reason. Seems to be a fan of the band. LOL
So next week we are playing at the Orb of the Oracle. Try to catch us there ok? You won’t be disappointed!
Myron
Teaching Text Rhetorically 
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